Popped Cherries

Sigh.
I’m thinking of going in a different direction. On this site. In my art. In my time. In my life.
It’s always been a struggle to “figure out” exactly what it is I’m doing.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve just zoned out for weeks on end, living on a couch in my head. Trying to whittle down exactly why the fuck and who the fuck is walking around in my skin.
I look to others for some kind of kinship, but I’m usually left with blank stares and awkward head nods.
It’s not surprising. Who can understand yourself better than you?
To feel such a lack of connection though, it’s disturbingly rough. Disheartening.
What stings the most though is having a thousand pieces scattered about, but no guide or map to help make a puzzle.
Instead of advancing, I waste hours of time trying to arrange things so there is at least a semblance of…something. Anything.
I definitely fault my upbringing for leaving gaping holes in my ability to resolve issues.
It’s not a parenting problem and I refuse to scapegoat something I can barely remember.
I think it’s more of a cog in the machine type mentality that got me to where I am right now.
People aren’t taught how to NOT be that cog. They are taught to become part of the machine. An entire education system revolves around being a new gear to replace a dying one.
I’ve never once been taught or encouraged to think for myself by any educational institution I’ve attended.
It’s always been, “Learn these facts and report on them” or “This is an idea someone else had, don’t question it’s validity because you aren’t qualified to do so”.
A lifetime of reinforcement you are nothing but a future part of the system and there’s little you can do to fight that.
The big question is what do you do when you don’t want to be that shiny new cog in someone’s machine?
Who do you turn to when you want to learn how to be your own tinkerer? Maybe one day living off the grid.
Where do you start when you want to have a little for yourself?
Where do you go?